I really need to get a new gig writing about puppies and unicorns. Alas, I am still sick. Not much to say about my exciting adventures this week as they have mostly taken place from a couch or a bed. I’ve seen a lot of excellent TV, perhaps I’ll write about that on the other blog. I’ve been a useless turd around the house. I can’t say that this has been fun in any sense of the word.
But I did lose five pounds on the nausea diet. Yay me. I was expecting 10 but I’ll take what I can get. I’ve never had a medication make me this sick before. To where I can’t reasonably function. And the anti-nausea medication gives me a terrible headache. This does beg the question–what do you do when the cure is worse than the disease? Well, I’m on another mood stabilizer so I’m dumping the pill that makes me ill.
It might not be the smart thing to do. I could potentially go manic. I’m going to request a mood stabilizer other than the one I’ve been taking and other than lithium. God love you, lithium, you’re a classic drug but you make me feel so heavy. But the real question is, can I afford a different mood stabilizer? That remains to be seen. I’ll have to discuss options with my provider. I really want to try to go back to the clomipramine but it’s also too expensive. And it did seem to make me tired all the time. But man, I’ve got $250 of it sitting in a drawer like untouchable gold.
Why are the good drugs with fewer side effects so damn expensive? You would think someone would have fixed this glaring problem by now. For example, having diabetes should not be a death sentence since the medications to treat it exist. This is really obvious. Healthcare is an outrageous scam in this country. Why aren’t more people outraged? Oh yeah, that’s right. We’re too sick to fight back. Or we’re dying. Or we’re simply flummoxed by our own problems, receiving substandard care for a huge price tag. Trying desperately just to manage.
I feel like since going off both old drugs I’ve been in choppy waters. SSRIs traditionally do not work for me. They make me fly into mania. Lithium is like taking a lead balloon. And then we’ve got the generic Geodon in there making me feel like I’ve swallowed poison every night for the last month or so. All of this is making me feel very tired of being on drugs at all. It’s no wonder people like me go off their meds. And let’s not forget the two as-needed antianxiety meds and the antinausea. That’s a total of six drugs and that’s just too many.
Do I want to go off my meds? Yes and no. I just remember the suffering before and it’s enough to keep me swallowing the pills and feeling like crap otherwise. I’m terrified of losing control. I’ve been moody and anxious even on the drugs. Can I really survive without them? Would it be better or worse? Can CBT help more with the OCD? I seem to recall having a CBT for Dummies book around here somewhere. If I can treat that part of it I’m halfway there. Then we would just have to worry about that mood stabilizer.
Basically, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired and am grasping at straws. Wishing I could afford a CBT certified therapist instead of using an SSRI. I just feel nasty. And not nasty in a good, Janet Jackson kind of a way.