I am so sick. I can’t eat without feeling horribly nauseated. I went to see my med manager, who prescribed low dose lithium and some Zofran to control nausea. In addition, I am supposed to up the dosage of my SSRI to triple what I’m currently taking. Hoping this balances me out.
I’ve been forgetting things within moments of thinking of them or doing them. Like with my pill earlier, did I take it, or did I just think about doing it? Since we’re going to triple the dose I figured one more wouldn’t hurt, so down the hatch it went. I’ve been stopping at imaginary stoplights and missing turns on the way to work because I’m so preoccupied. I even had a doozy of a dream where I was driving down the highway at night with no lights on.
I’m seeing three people for my medical conditions which hopefully will help with all the paperwork that needs to be filled out for the time I’m missing from work. When the meds are on, I’m on, and when they’re off, I am hopelessly off. I am panicking. I am not financially prepared for this but here I go. I have a little in savings which will help soften the blow of however many days I am out. They wanted me to give them an exact date range. I don’t know people, how about when I feel better?
Kiddo is over at grandma’s for the week which is likely a good thing. I am too anxious to do much. Getting gas today was a struggle. Going to my med manager was difficult, I got there super early because if I didn’t leave my house right at that time I wasn’t going to. I’m hoping desperately that the adjustment to the new meds and dosages happens quickly so I can go back to work.
This country’s healthcare system is broken BTW. It needs an overhaul like, yesterday. I am a good person and I do what I can but ultimately I am disabled. But I am stuck working 40 hours a week. 50 in the winter when they need people. That’s crazy. That’s crazier than I am. It shouldn’t be so hard for people with disabilities to receive the healthcare and support they need. And forget about applying for actual disability, you need years and a lawyer and I don’t have the time or the funds for either.
I guess I could go off meds entirely and end up institutionalized but that doesn’t seem like a viable option either. I have a kid and kitties who depend on me. I’m doing my best with what I’ve got to work with even if my wiring is messed up through no fault of my own. I’m worst-case-scenario girl again, I know. Print me a T-Shirt and get me a Twitter following, lol.
I need to make lists of things like medical appointments I’ve had recently. I need to bring a little notebook to appointments as suggested by my med manager. I need to quit with the explosive bum, let’s put that on the to-do list. I need to take action because inaction is getting me nowhere fast.
But again, I am so sick. Maybe I’ll just take one of my controlled substances and a much-needed nap instead. Which will win out? Anxiety or the exhaustion? Tune in next time, same batshit crazy time, same batshit crazy channel.