I am 41 today. I never thought I would make it this far. Thank you all for making my continued existence possible. And even, gasp, enjoyable. I have gone from struggling deeply with depression and anxiety to thriving on the right combination of medications. Also, this year marks the decade anniversary of the worst year yet (which hopefully will be the worst year ever).
While I refuse to believe that life is a bed of roses, I can tell you that it can get better. You can even find love outside of your immediate family, believe it or not. Which is weird and utterly wonderful. The cynicism is taking a serious hit because of this. Don’t worry, I will still be my smart-alecky self. I have a dark streak that seems to know no bounds at times. But I can honestly say that by re-evaluating certain situations I have found joy. Not only for myself but for my kiddo. Which is a bit of a miracle.
You see, I had moments of doubt, which have only made the ultimate outcome better. I still have moments of doubt because my current situation seems surreal. But, eh. I have decided that some things should not be poo-poohed or taken for granted and that what may seem unconventional at first may actually be just the thing you need.
Obscure social media post? Maybe. Am I…dare I say it…happy? Generally, yes. Do I battle days or even weeks of darkness? Certainly. Do I feel like giving up? Not as often as I used to. Which puts me in a wholly different league than I was a decade ago.
And those moments of doubt that plague me? Typical of my cynicism and even my diseases. I have to learn to forgive myself for momentary lapses. And maybe (dare I say it) adopt a more positive mantra for once. Things can be good. Things can be great. And even though at times I feel like a bit of a failure, I’m just being jaded. Because I cannot make it entirely on my own, does not mean that I have failed. It is actually beneficial to rely on people that you love for support.
And I have so many great people to love! What a blessing to be so fortunate. And I don’t use that term lightly. I have gone from being ritualistically obsessed with religion to not very religious at all. Which in many ways has increased my propensity for love. All this is temporary, folks. Don’t be a dick. But when you are one, forgive yourself, because we all are every once in a while.
Perfection can be a good goal, but it cannot be obtained. We should all strive to at least constantly improve. And we can build relationships that help us meet goals we have not yet dreamed of.
Here’s to new dreams and the people who make them possible.