Playing at Persistence

Wow. It’s been approximately forever.

My daughter is off on a vacation for spring break. I, on the other hand, have been ill. I cleaned the apartment today amid my various resting periods and episodes of a pronounced cough. Though this place is cleaner than it has been in months, I’m pretty sure my cough was more productive than I was.

So this is my last day to recuperate before I work three ten-hour shifts. Hoping the voice will hold up. Currently watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Brick again. Had season one of True Detective in the background as I cleaned. Thinking of watching Inception next. I don’t relax as easily as I used to–I blame anxiety. And the sugar-filled chai tea I just had.

I also have difficulty with this foreign concept of “free time.” As a single mom, I am often told that I need to make time for myself. I find it a little unrealistic. Could I pull extra time out of my a**? Sure I could. I could sleep even less than I do now, which medication managers and shrinks have warned me against. I could definitely be more productive by avoiding social media more often.

But though I could make some time here and there, I have a job where my break times and time on calls are budgeted down to the minute. I can’t live my whole life like that. I need a balance between carefully structured time and time where I fly around willy nilly by the seat of my skirt.

And then there’s the whole needing a side gig thing. The day job is fine for covering basics but unexpected expenses are, as the term implies, unpredictable. If my car broke down, for example, I’m not quite sure what I’d do. And my retirement plan is currently winning the lottery. If I don’t, I think I’ll likely be working until the day I die.

Is all of that all right with me? Sure. But the stress of living paycheck to paycheck is daunting.

And do I have the aptitude for sales or social marketing? Nope. I need to find a gig that flexibly fits into my free time somehow, though. I have found a few leads online. I am hoping that they’re not scams and they don’t pay peanuts.

There’s a joke in there somewhere.

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