When your sleep schedule is so out of whack that you’re considering staying up all night.

I’m there.

I want to be a night owl and my current work schedule forces me to get up at 3am on a Sunday. And it was a schedule I chose! What a blunder. Screw the early bird. I’m all for nighttime writing and such. It’s no wonder I’ve been so exhausted lately. It’s not just the highly personal medical troubles I’ve been having. I take naps at weird times because I’m in denial that I have to be in bed by 8pm.

And then I wake up from those naps all full of energy and stuff. Ready to go somewhere. Ready to stay up until the time I would normally wake up.

I think I’ve figured out the reason for my exhaustion. My present schedule is so off from my body’s natural sleep schedule that I can’t stay awake when I’m supposed to. I’m trying to modify my schedule at work but so far, no dice.

I really enjoy being there for my kiddo in the afternoons. I really do. But this sleep schedule and I need to break up. And in the words of Taylor Swift, we should never ever, ever…you get the gist.

I can fight a lot. I can fight mental illness like a badass, but I’m losing my will to thrive. This exhaustion is beating me down. I can’t go around driving this sleep-deprived. If I don’t get the regular sleep I could also lose my mind.

News flash–this is not good. Sleep deprivation for me can even result in paranoia and delusions. So yeah. Not good at all. I’m a bit terrified. I’m grateful that my present insurance somewhat covers the medication bit, but the other piece of healthy, natural sleep is eluding me.

Also, bless her dear heart, my daughter has trouble sleeping. Whether this is just from being a pre-teen or being unmedicated for the ADHD I don’t know. Even a tiny dose of melatonin seems to knock her out for an unnaturally long time. But when she wakes me up two or three times a night it kind of messes with my frame of mind and level of alertness the next day.

I need to exercise more, take melatonin, and suck it up. Or find another profession, which I don’t particularly want to do at this point. Unless it’s writing, of course. I would do that all the time if I could make it profitable somehow. At this point, I’m just considering a self-published book, which I’ve heard is not a very lucrative way to go.

I look tired too. All the time. I look like a tired old lady and I feel like no amount of skin cream is going to change that. I need to sleep. But my most productive times are the middle of the night.

Maybe I need a doctor’s recommendation for a different work schedule. I’ve heard that’s a thing. I hate to break out the old, I’m disabled and need an accommodation bit. But that’s where this is headed.

As for me, I will be headed to bed in a few minutes, if extremely reluctantly. Sweet dreams y’all…

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