I Scream, You Scream…

Constipation is all fun and games until you tear yourself a new a**hole.

Let me preface this post with a warning. If you don’t like gross or embarrassing stuff, or the word a**, read no further.

I have had problems with chronic constipation since I was in college. It’s mostly from not eating right. Add to it a cocktail of medications, and you have what could be considered a serious problem without proper nutrition and (you guessed it) exercise.

So essentially I go once a week. Maybe twice if I’m lucky. TMI to be sure. But there is a cautionary tale here. And I don’t want to be remembered as the girl who died from an anal fissure.

The bleeding started Monday on the road trip. The doctor’s visit was yesterday and let me tell you, it was uncomfortable. On top of it, they threatened a more thorough examination if the bleeding didn’t subside. Now they gave me the deets on this intrusive exam and they are too horrific to share.

I didn’t know you could lose enough blood from one of these internal, mucosal cuts to merit a trip to the ER. I avoided that by submitting to a hemoglobin test that thankfully came out normal.

Then there was the issue of the prescribed medications. $70 apparently buys a lot of ass cream, but it is expensive-ass cream. Also, not a great thing when the cute pharmacy tech answers the phone when you call to inquire if your order of ass cream is ready for pickup.

Thank goodness the lady pharmacy tech was there to dispense the medication. But I could swear the cute pharmacy tech was glancing my way when the pharmacist came to explain application procedures. As if I’m not embarrassed enough. As if I’m not posting this on the Internet later…

So. Anyway. I have a follow-up appointment tomorrow and if the bleeding has in fact subsided I will be on my merry way.

If you’re wondering why I’ve fallen off the map since my kid left town, I am tired. It has something to do with hemorrhaging out of my bunghole. Interesting fact–you can feel a sneeze all the way down there. I found that out today. The more you know, cue rainbow.

Tonight I applied my ass cream. And then I had some ice cream because though it has no fiber, it soothes the soul.

If anal fissure is a joke, then I am the punchline.


One thought on “I Scream, You Scream…

  1. Ah, the anxiety of seeing the attractive pharmacy tech. It plagues me as well. You had better luck than I usually have- it’s always one of the cute ones when I pick up a prescription I’m not proud of needing.

    I usually despise wordplay, butt you owned it and let it convey a playful tone. Well done!


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