Friends with Benefits

I’m thinking about finding someone to marry just for the insurance.

Do I need to be in a relationship? Well, in most regards, no. I am doing well on my own, for the most part. I finally landed a job with benefits. But to afford both the apartment and my health insurance, I needed to choose the plan with a large deductible and outrageous copays for the medicines I’ve been on for the past nine years.

This is insane. I was so happy to get a job with benefits that I could do even with my limitations. I thought that it was a miracle that I would be able to stay on these medications that have been so beneficial to me.

Oops, wrong.

At least I can see a doctor if things go badly on the new medication, so there is that. My silver lining that looks suspiciously like stainless steel.

Do I want to be in a relationship? Also, not really. That 13-year experiment some call “marriage” was quite enough for me for quite some time. I am a notorious commitment-phobe now. Also, most of the men I’ve met have treated me with a distinct lack of respect.  There are notable exceptions that did not pan out.

And there are the dating sites. They vex me. I don’t like them but I am too shy to meet other people in a normal setting. I also lack confidence because I have gained back all the weight I lost during the divorce, the loss mostly due to an insane amount of stress and lack of sleep. I have a blog dedicated to weight loss now but the truth is I’m still struggling to manage my life in general.

There are aspects of my life I previously did not feel comfortable sharing and one of them has been my struggle with my daughter’s issues. She has had anxiety since my separation (separation anxiety, redefined). They have been trying to determine whether her anxiety is fueling her ADHD or whether it is the other way around. Attempts for a 504 accommodation are underway but I have been struggling as a parent to understand the way she views the world. I feel like I am one step behind all of the time. I feel like I am not doing enough for her. I feel like a failure in many regards.

I also feel like this getting up at 3am business is for the birds. Actually, I am up before the birds. They say the early bird gets the worm but what if the only worms you care to consider come in a tequila bottle?

Would eventually being with someone be beneficial for my stability overall? Not sure about that one. Note my distinct lack of transition with that last paragraph. No one said any of this larger transition would be easy. It has taken a lot of courage and I have made so many mistakes. I struggle so much on my own, would it really be fair to add someone else to the mix?

And what would Violet think of me being in a relationship? I try to spend as much time with her as I can. And sure, her dad has since settled down with someone who by all accounts seems very kind and motivated. Why can’t I seem to do the same?

I’m not looking for my other half, as it were. I am very content as things are even though I feel terribly lonely at times. So the question is, will I attempt to get back out there again, ulterior motives and all? Or will I continue to be a crazy cat lady and simply add another feline to my collection?

I’ve given myself a lot to think about for someone who has to be up in hmmm, let’s see…seven hours. And now that my brain has been working I’m wide-a-fricken’ wake. And also terrified of going off my medication.

Stop me if I’ve mentioned that before.



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