So. My medication melodrama.
Scene: Doctor’s office. I am wringing my hands and crying. I need a medication adjustment for the first time in YEARS.
Me: Hello, regular physician! I am having severe anxiety related to my OCD and I need help.
Regular Physician: I see you’re currently on 50 mg of Blahberone.
Me: I think I’m on 75 mg…?
Regular Physician: Well I can go up to 250 mg from what I see on my app here. So let’s double it. 150 mg once a day. And we’ll put you on some Relaxalax to take as needed. Your dose of nerve pain medication is basically not at a therapeutic level. So we will just discontinue it.
Me (aside): What’s up, Doc? Anybody home? You’re supposed to increase Blahberone meds gradually. Everybody who knows anything about psych meds knows this. Well, I guess you’ll prescribe a mix and match of tablets/capsules so I can do that. I trust you, Doc.
Me (to Regular Physician): Ok.
Regular Physician: And I’m going on maternity leave so we will set you up with a follow-up appointment.
Me: Thanks for looking out for me, Doc.
Me: (Returns home, enters stage left with prescription bag. Compares old prescription with new prescription. Realizes that she and therefore, the Doc, made a mistake)
Me: I was only on 50 mg. Whoopsie! And 150 mg is triple the dose?! O Blahberone, how thou dost vex me! Two capsules of 75mg a piece? I have no choice but to just increase by a mere 25mg and then ask for further instruction. Blast!
Act II. The next week.
Scene: The same clinic, different doctor. SSDD.
Doctor #2: Hello, I’m filling in for your Regular Physician. She and her baby are doing great. I see you need another medication adjustment.
Me (in huge, run-on sentence): Yes I made a mistake and thought I was on more medication than I was really on and 150mg of Blahberone seems a little high to me also I experienced severe anxiety when I first increased the dose to 75 I was really agitated and nervous around other people
Doctor #2: Let’s prescribe 25mg tablets so you can add them to the 75 to make 100. Let’s also be sure that we take that Relaxalax three times regularly, instead of as needed.
Me: Ok. Sounds good. Sorta. Thank you, Doctor.
Me: I go to the pharmacy to discover he actually sent in two prescriptions: one for sixty 50mg capsules of Blahberone. And one for thirty 25mg capsules. Hmmmmmm math math math. Well, I guess I am well stocked with combos of 100 mg. So I’ll stay on 75 mg until I can match them with the 25mg and not have any leftovers.
(Sees a few people enter stage left, freaks the f*** out)
Scene: Same old, same old.
Physician’s Assistant #1: By this general survey I made you take about anxiety I see you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety. Hmpf.
Me: Yes I am a wreck I am experiencing major social anxiety and I don’t know what to do I need help…
Physician’s Assistant #1: Wow, you said it yourself. Social anxiety. There’s a medicine called Happerolol that was MADE for people like you. They give it to people before major speaking engagements to mellow them out. It lowers your blood pressure and your heart rate.
Me: But I THOUGHT IT WAS THE 75 mg OF BLAHBERONE GIVING ME ANXIETY
Physician’s Assistant #1: Oh that? That shouldn’t be increasing your anxiety. Trust me. Just take this blood pressure medication and you’ll be fine. Heck, you won’t even be waxing tachycardic anymore! This will make you really tired at first but it will work. Have faith in the wonders of modern medicine!
Me: SOUNDS SKETCHY BUT I WILL TRY ANYTHING AT THIS POINT
Me: (Takes pills, gets dizzy and nearly falls down).
Doctor# 2: Oh, I see your blood pressure is low, and the Happerolol is not helping your anxiety? And you’re dizzy when standing? Stop taking that immediately. Excuse me, another doctor on the phone (answers cell, takes the phone call outside of the room).
Me: Well, no shit, Sherlock. My anxiety is still something I can’t sink. Think, think, think. What would my old psychiatrist do?
Doctor# 2: (re-enters room) Well you need to take all your prescribed meds to the psychiatrist next month.
Me: Can you refer me to anyone else sooner?
Doctor# 2: No, any other psychiatrist in the area books way in advance. There’s always Clinic Suck on State Street if you need immediate help. We have a lot of options with your meds. What do you think we should do?
Me: Well since I haven’t been sleeping and I’m on 75mg of Blahberone, I would increase the mood stabilizer and OMG why didn’t someone think to ask me sooner???
(Puts head in hands, sighs deeply)
The End. Or is it???